1. The Wilderness Exchange Unlimited is now a proud retailer of ClimbX climbing paraphernalia. Climb X is a new company. Their niche is well-made gear with low price points to accommodate the climbing proletariat. Industry experts and esteemed analysts are predicting that Climb X is going to dominate the living crap out of the climbing market.
Here’s what we got:
-Climb X THE KINDER – this is a Kid’s climbing shoe. They are darling
-Climb X PILOT – take flight with this stylish yet economical harness
-Climb X GYPSY – this harness will take you where ever your wanderlust desires
-Climb X DOUBLE X – we were going to bring in the “Triple X” too, but decided that it might be a little racy for our clientele
2. I have made it my mission to become Climb X’s first sponsored athlete (those who know me are laughing right now). While this may be an ambitious goal, I don’t feel that it is out of the realm of possibilities. What I may lack in climbing ability, credibility, sex appeal and social skills, I more than make up for in spirit and passion.
Here are a few things I have been doing to ready myself for the life of a sponsored climber:
- Seven pull-ups a day (some people have told me that standing on an exercise ball while doing pull ups is cheating – these people are haters).
- Every morning at about I go into the bathroom and practice my game face and climbing scream for about an hour. In order to monitor my progress I record my screaming on my roommate’s 24 track hi-fi recording system. Then, I go upstairs and blast the recording on our 2,000 watt surround-sound system while I have my morning coffee and do a little yoga. Then, I put on my sweatpants and bike helmet and jog around the neighborhood.
- I enrolled in a variety of high energy dance classes to add a cardio element to my regiment. Unfortunately, these classes became cost prohibitive and I have since resorted to just playing Dance Dance Revolution twice a week.
- I induce vomiting every other night before bed.
- I am saving up to get collagen implants in my forearms.
- To prepare myself for the competitive nature of the pro climbing scene I frequently challenge the neighborhood children to bicycle races. I generally lose these races (mainly because those little cheaters have training wheels), but I see this as training for dealing with the agony of defeat.
((Best game-face yet))
So, with my new game face, training régime, lifestyle changes and upcoming cosmetic procedures, I think it’s realistic to say that sponsorship is all but mine.
Also, I have assured my esteemed colleague Hiro Nakakura that he is welcome to ride my coattails all the way to the top. I am a man of my word, so if Climb X wants me they have to take Hiro too (I am also a man who frequently goes back on his word so….yeah).
In summary, I intend to continue pestering Climb X until they provide me with either a full sponsorship or a restraining order.
Climb on,
SB
SSam is a Sexy MAAAAN
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