Narwhals love closeout deals

So maybe I’m out of the loop. Or maybe just poorly educated, but the other day I realized that I have spent my whole life up to this point not knowing what a Narwhal is. This was a very painful realization for me, but I’m glad it happened when it did. I credit my co-worker Jeff for bringing the existence of Narwhals to my attention. Thanks Jeff.

  

 

Anyone who known me knows that I am a man who loves unicorns. Narwhals are like the unicorns of the sea!! And while they are an endangered species, they’re still more common than unicorns. This means that I have a much better chance of riding a Narwhal into the sunset than I do of riding a unicorn down a rainbow highway into a magical forest filled with gum-drops, IPA waterfalls and electric guitars.  

 

So I did a little research on the Narwhal. What I discovered was shocking. Apparently what Narwhals love most in the entire world is closeout, cosmetic 2^nd and off price specialty outdoor products like these:

 

Salomon XA COMP 5 – though Narwhals are a creature of the sea, they know a screamin’ deal on a trail shoe when they see one.

 

Mountain Hardwear Women's TORSION GLOVE – male Narwhals are incredibly attracted to human females who wear nice softshell gloves

 

Mountain Hardwear Women's ASCENT STRETCH AIR PERMEABLE GAITER – these are a status symbol in the Narwhal community.

 

Any discounted climbing harness!! – most human climbers replace their harness every two to three years – Narwhals have to get a new one every few months. Apparently soaking in salt water is worse for nylon than UV.

 

So how can the average Joe help prevent the majestic Narwhal from becoming extinct? Simple – buy closeout products like the ones mentioned above from the WildyX. These creatures have a mysterious power that enables them to track our sales. When they see that we’re moving a lot of product, it sends them in to a vicious breeding frenzy.

 

Also, it should be noted that every time a Narwhal is born three things happen:

 

1 – The holes in the ozone layer get smaller.

2 – A dried up oil field somewhere suddenly starts producing again.

3 - A hungry child somewhere is given a cheeseburger.

 

 

And now you know,

 

Sam Benedict

Shipping/Receiving Manager

Wilderness Exchange Unlimited

2401 15th st Suite 100 Denver, CO 80202

303 477 0881

sam@wildernessexchangeunlimited.com

Teko socks – beyond organic – beyond best price

Crazy closeout deals on performance socks are one of the staples of our store. Sometimes we even joke about changing our name to the Wilderness-sock-exchange. We wouldn’t actually do that of course. That name would imply that we sell used socks – which we don’t – because it would be gross. We just like to chuckle about it every time we get a huge shipment of closeout socks.

Like the other day for instance, we got roughly 1.5 kazillion pair of Teko closeouts. The whole staff was pretty excited. We’ve never sold Teko before, so everyone was super psyched about learning as much as possible about Teko. So Reilly “Fingers” Anderson had an idea. He thought it would be just swell to put on a little puppet show for the staff about the virtues of Teko socks and their sustainable practices. He commissioned me to make a super crappy diorama for his first installment of “Story Time with Uncle Fingers”.
The show was only one act in which one sock-puppet unicorn keeps on trying to explain how awesome and sustainable and affordable Teko socks are while the other sock-puppet unicorn just drinks continuously until he gets alcohol poisoning. It was really moving.
 
The whole staff was blown away by the performance… Except for Butters, who as it turns out is afraid of unicorns.

Everyone else gave rave reviews.

“OMG Bro!!! That was the best puppet show EVER!!! I can’t believe how sustainable and affordable Teko socks are!!!”

-Jason “I climb harder than you” Baker

“Dude. I had no idea what a socially relevant issue sustainable sock manufacturing was. I have to rethink my whole wardrobe now!! Also, I think I'm gonna try to lay off the booze a little!!”

-Brain “the closer” Jacoby

“I don’t understand why my girlfriend gets so annoyed when I watch keeping up with the Kardashians. It’s a genuinely entertaining show!... oh, what are we talking about? Yeah, those Teko socks were a killer buy!! Hella-props to me!!”
- Don “our fearless leader” Bushey

Think affordable, stay sustainable,

Sam Benedict
Shipping/Receiving Manager
Wilderness Exchange Unlimited
2401 15th st Suite 100 Denver, CO 80202
303 477 0881sam@wildernessexchangeunlimited.com