Narwhals love closeout deals

So maybe I’m out of the loop. Or maybe just poorly educated, but the other day I realized that I have spent my whole life up to this point not knowing what a Narwhal is. This was a very painful realization for me, but I’m glad it happened when it did. I credit my co-worker Jeff for bringing the existence of Narwhals to my attention. Thanks Jeff.

  

 

Anyone who known me knows that I am a man who loves unicorns. Narwhals are like the unicorns of the sea!! And while they are an endangered species, they’re still more common than unicorns. This means that I have a much better chance of riding a Narwhal into the sunset than I do of riding a unicorn down a rainbow highway into a magical forest filled with gum-drops, IPA waterfalls and electric guitars.  

 

So I did a little research on the Narwhal. What I discovered was shocking. Apparently what Narwhals love most in the entire world is closeout, cosmetic 2^nd and off price specialty outdoor products like these:

 

Salomon XA COMP 5 – though Narwhals are a creature of the sea, they know a screamin’ deal on a trail shoe when they see one.

 

Mountain Hardwear Women's TORSION GLOVE – male Narwhals are incredibly attracted to human females who wear nice softshell gloves

 

Mountain Hardwear Women's ASCENT STRETCH AIR PERMEABLE GAITER – these are a status symbol in the Narwhal community.

 

Any discounted climbing harness!! – most human climbers replace their harness every two to three years – Narwhals have to get a new one every few months. Apparently soaking in salt water is worse for nylon than UV.

 

So how can the average Joe help prevent the majestic Narwhal from becoming extinct? Simple – buy closeout products like the ones mentioned above from the WildyX. These creatures have a mysterious power that enables them to track our sales. When they see that we’re moving a lot of product, it sends them in to a vicious breeding frenzy.

 

Also, it should be noted that every time a Narwhal is born three things happen:

 

1 – The holes in the ozone layer get smaller.

2 – A dried up oil field somewhere suddenly starts producing again.

3 - A hungry child somewhere is given a cheeseburger.

 

 

And now you know,

 

Sam Benedict

Shipping/Receiving Manager

Wilderness Exchange Unlimited

2401 15th st Suite 100 Denver, CO 80202

303 477 0881

sam@wildernessexchangeunlimited.com

Ode to harness #26

So I got to thinking the other day about harnesses, and how if you think about it, all other climbing gear is pretty much worthless if you take the harness out of the picture. All your ropes, carabiners, cams, nuts, slings, pulleys, rope devices, beer-bongs, sky hooks, RURPs, rivet hangers, wall hammers, big bros and hand drills… would really be quite useless with out the harness.

I started feeling like the poor harness is like the unsung hero of the climbing arsenal. Then I looked at my own loyal harness and started to cry a little. Then I picked my harness up and hugged it and apologized for taking it for granted. Then I cried a little more. Then my girlfriend walked in and gave me a very disapproving, contemptuous, but not all that surprised sort of a look. I told her to leave us alone, and to go make me a Hot Pocket, or mow the yard or something.

My emotional little moment with my harness inspired me to write a poem. I call it Ode to harness #26.

Here goes:

Oh harness oh harness
I wear you all day
I hang in you sometimes, when I have to belay
You hold all my gear
Like my cams and daisy chain
And you catch me at times, when I can not maintain
You were my first piece of gear, when I was just new
And I hate to take you off, but sometimes I must poo

Then I started thinking of all the great deals on harnesses at the WildyX, like these:

Black Diamond MOMENTUM DS Harness Package
 
Black Diamond PRIMROSE SA Harness

Mammut VISION Harness


Mammut MIRAGE Harness


Black Diamond PRIMROSE A/L Harness

So anyway, the next time you’re out crushing, take a little time to let your harness know how good its been to you and how much you really do appreciate it… Unless you don’t really like your harness that much, in which case you should lay a big guilt trip on it and come buy a new one from us.

Climb on,

Sam Benedict
Shipping/Receiving Manager
Wilderness Exchange Unlimited
2401 15th st Suite 100 Denver, CO 80202
303 477 0881