Supersonic savings

So there I was, toiling away at the Wilderness Exchange the other day. It was like any other day, but I kept feeling this weird energy. It felt quite peculiar, almost otherworldly. I typically try to ignore my feelings the best I can, so I just focused on box crushing. As I was on my way out to indulge in a healthy tobacco reprieve I was approached by this crazy looking old hippy lady. She reeked of patchouli, was wearing all kinds of weird jewelry and crap, she had very long grey hair and a very odd energy about her. 
 “Excuse me sir,” she said to me.
 “What can I do for you?” I replied packing my Marlboros.
 “I just wanted to talk to you about your aura.”
 I had to keep my eyes from rolling, “What about it?”
She blabbered on for awhile about astrology, spirits, and chi and a bunch of other stupid crap and I basically tuned her out until I heard her say something about how she could communicate with the spirits of the deceased. That got my attention!!
 “Could you help me do that?!?!” I asked eagerly.
 “You have a type Z aura configuration… so yes… I think so.”
 “Holy macaroni!!!” I exclaimed.
 “With whom would you like to communicate?” she asked 
 “Freddy Mercury,” I answered without a moment’s hesitation.
 “Than it shall be so,” she said. Then she threw a smoke-bomb on the ground and started cackling maniacally. Then when the smoke cleared she was still standing there. We stared at each other awkwardly. Then she asked me if I could let her into the dressing room.
Later that night as I was drinking myself to sleep I thought of the old lady. “What a silly old bird,” I thought as I slammed my last 24oz PBR and hit the hay.
I had a hard time sleeping that night. I tossed and turned, dozed in and out of slumber and at about 1 am I got up to slam a few more beers in hopes that I might achieve the righteous drunken slumber I so desperately needed. So I drank like 11 beers and on the way back to my boudoir, who should be standing in front of me but the one and only Freddy Mercury.

I shrieked like a 7th grade girl standing face to face with Justin Beiber.

 “OH, MY, GOD!!!” I couldn’t believe my eyes.
 “The pleasure is all mine,” Freddy said cordially.

 “You mean? Are you really? But, how?” I was barely maintaining.
 
 “Yes, I am the ghost of the one true Rock-God”
 I shrieked again, louder and higher pitched this time.
 “Compose yourself son,” Freddy said sternly “I have come to talk to you about Black Diamond gloves and all the other under-publicized savings available at the Wilderness Exchange Unlimited, such as Kelty products, Metolious 2nds and all those fabulous closeout tents.” 

 “Oh,” I said, kind of disappointed.
 “I have been watching you for some time,” said Freddy “and I have decided that you shall be the prophet of me, Freddy Mercury – the one true Rock-God.”
 “And you want me to get people hyped up about incredible savings on quality outdoor gear?” I asked earnestly. I was a little taken off guard.

 “Yes Sam,” said Freddy “that’s all I’ve every really wanted”
 “O…..K?...” I said trying to wrap my mind around the situation.
 “Indeed, if you can demonstrate to outdoor enthusiast everywhere that they need not squander their meager earnings paying full retail on high-end brands like Black Diamond, Blue Water, Smartwool, Metolius, Sierra Designs, Chaco and so many others…I will reward you by granting you supernatural rock ‘n’ roll powers and you will become a legendary rock-opera super-god, just like me.”

 I shrieked again. “Will I compose ultra-anthems that will be blasted at sporting events across the nation and will I die young and beautiful just like you did?!?”
 “Yes,” said Freddy “more than likely you will. But first you must spread awareness of the virtuous Wilderness Exchange.”
 “Will you make a supersonic man out of me?”
 “…sure”
 “Will you find me somebody to love?”
 “I’ll work on it, but not until I see some results. I want to see the net worth of the WEU triple by next quarter.”
 “You got it Freddy. You can count on me!!”

 “Good, good” he said “I must take my leave now. I’ll be watching you.” He bowed cordially, then walked out of my bedroom vanishing slowly as he went.
 I jumped for joy, shrieked a last time and went back to sleep. When I awoke in the morning all of my beer was gone and sitting in it’s place in the fridge was Freddy’s Tiara. I put it on and got to work.


The End
  
Sam Benedict
Shipping/Receiving Manager
Wilderness Exchange Unlimited
2401 15th st Suite 100 Denver, CO 80202
303-477-0881sam@wildernessexchangeunlimited.com

Gear review- Black Diamond Gridlock

Every once in a while, a new product innovation is released that is so beautiful in its simplicity, and so obvious, that it makes you thump your noggin and say "why didn't I think of that ?"  The new Black Diamond Gridlock is just such a product.

                                                                    

How many times have you looked down at your belay biner while it defiantly cross-loads the rope through the minor axis, leaving your beloved leader on the line with only 1/3 the breaking strength of the biner? Think of how redundant every other system is in climbing- you tripple up your anchors, you tie keeper knots in your ropes, you never rely on just one piece of protection...right? Future generations of climbers will look back and chide us for our stupidity in allowing a 8kn cross-loaded single belay carabiner potentially be the only thing between us and eternity...

The Black Diamond Gridlock is simple, clean and effective. It is impossible to cross-load, because the keeper end in your harness loop acts as a fulcrum, physically preventing the biner to do anything but line up directly on its major axis in all scenarios. When the gate is closed , the keeper is closed. When the gate is open, the keeper opens to set the biner into your belay loop. Done. A few days in the field with this unit has shown no inconveniences, extra thought or nuisance- there is simply no reason not to replace your current belay biner with this significantly safer tool. GET ONE!

Kelty products and economic recovery

So I guess the old economy is on the rebound. I think it is anyway. I heard it on some super reputable news network (Fox, I think). We all knew it would eventually, but we’re not out in the clear yet. Sure, unemployment is down a little, stock markets are holding steady, people are starting to spend again, but it’s still pivotal. One wrong turn could land us in fiscal catastrophe.

So how can average Americans best do their part to help with economic recovery? Simple: buy Kelty products, lots of them, and buy them from the Wilderness Exchange. Yup, top analysts have found bullet-proof evidence that supporting large corporations such as Kelty via small businesses like the WildyX is in fact the ONLY road to economic prosperity.

Here are a few reasons why:
-People who own Kelty Products have been shown to make better fiscal decisions.
-Children who grow up with Kelty products do better in school, and will be less prone to drug abuse, gang violence, and communist tendencies as they mature.
-Every time a Kelty product is purchased Bono donates $1,000 to the national deficit.

-Every time you DON’T buy a kelty product President Obama cries him self to sleep...

-Every time Kelty sales go down, terrorism goes up.
-Not buying Kelty Products creates holes in the Ozone layer (the ozone layer is very costly to repair, and it always falls on the tax payers)

Click  to buy Kelty products immediately.

Simply put: if you love America you will buy lots and lots of Kelty action. Even if you don’t love America you should still buy Kelty products because they are a really great value. Even if you are an anarchist you should still buy Kelty so you can be comfortable being free of capitalism in your silly little anarchist commune.

Remember, only you can prevent economic crisis,

Sam Benedict
Shipping/Receiving Manager
Wilderness Exchange Unlimited
2401 15th st Suite 100 Denver, CO 80202
303-477-0881sam@wildernessexchangeunlimited.com

Super best special offer on Vibram Five Fingers

The mission of the Wilderness Exchange is to sell quality outdoor gear at the best price that we possibly can. We love hooking people up and helping them save money on the things they love. 

So, that said, we just got a boatload more of these:

Vibram Five Fingers Men's BIKILA
Five Fingers Men's KSO
Vibram Five Fingers Women's SPRINT
Vibram Five Fingers Women's KSO

Now, as much as we would love to offer you “best price” on this action… we can’t – it would be illegal. Yeah, we have these silly little “dealer agreement” things which means that companies such as VFF are able to be like “Hey, you better not go giving people best price, or else!” Yeah, and apparently as of like July 07’ the Supreme Court is cool with this unmitigated best price prevention. I guess the Supreme Court just wants everyone to pay “same price”.
They were all like “We don’t need no anti-trust statute! blah blah blah, level playing field, rabble rabble rabble, stimulating interbrand competition yada yada yada…whatever lets just make a decision so we can go eat tacos”. So the ruling was made and tacos were eaten.
Then everybody kind of forgot about the whole thing because some awesome MTV special came on.
  
So anyway, no “best price”, but this is our special offer: you buy your Vibram Five Fingers from us and we will do a little dance for your amusement.
What sort of a dance?
We’re not telling.

It could be a little soft-shoe number.

Perhaps a hand-jive.

Maybe the Macarena.

Maybe the A-town stomp.

Who knows maybe our fearless leader will present you with his highly refined “Jerking” moves such as the very popular “reject”.

Whatever it is, it will be super awkward to watch – we guarantee it.

Stay savvy,Sam Benedict
Shipping/Receiving Manager
Wilderness Exchange Unlimited
2401 15th st Suite 100 Denver, CO 80202
303-477-0881sam@wildernessexchangeunlimited.com

The Petzl revolution

It has not yet been decided if this revolution will be televised. But check it:

Petzl GRIGRI 2 – we now have blue and gray.
Petzl ANGE – this is a new carabiner and it is totally revolutionary. It’s more revolutionary that the revolutionary war was. More revolutionary than Rosa Parks was (though not quite as socially significant). The Beatles song “Revolution” was actually written about a dream that Lennon had about this caribiner; yes, the Beatles were that ahead of their time (a few lyrics were changed to make the song more marketable). This carabiner is also more revolutionary than your mom.

A few attributes that make the ANGE so flippin’ revolutionary:

- It comes in different sizes and colors!!! Colors have been done before but no climbing manufacturer has ever dared to produce different sizes of the exact same biner. For the time being we only have small in orange.

- First carabiner ever scientifically PROVEN to make you climb harder.

- Carabiner of choice for the following celebrities: Al Roker, Al Gore, Bono, Tim Tebo, the Pitt/Jolie twins and Will Smith.

- It has a very stiff gate and a very narrow gate opening. This means it will be best appreciated by strong climbers climbing on very thin ropes. If you are not a very strong climber you may need to find a very strong climber to accompany you during every lead so that they can do the clipping for you. In France they call these people “super sherpas”. There are currently no super sherpas working in the States.

- It has this little black thing on the gate and im not quite sure what the reason for it is but I am certain that it’s awesome.

- Collaboratively engineered by the following: Steven Hawking, Steve Forbes, Steve Jobs, Steven Tyler and Bono.

- Based on an original collaborative concept by Buckminster Fuller and Nikola Tesla.

Commence crushing,

Sam Benedict
Shipping/Receiving Manager
Wilderness Exchange Unlimited
2401 15th st Suite 100 Denver, CO 80202
303-477-0881sam@wildernessexchangeunlimited.com

Journalistic integrity at the WildyX

So there I was, wasting my life on facebook today and saw some kid I went to school with complaining about how disgusting it is that newspapers have gone the way of the dodo and how horrible it is that people are now more inclined to gather their info on current events/action/whatever from other people’s blogs rather than a newspaper. Then he went blabbering on about how newspapers used to deliver the “real news” in a “non-bias” and “classy” manner, and how stories were “fact checked” and all this other “journalistic integrity” horse-hockey.

 

Then this pious little jerk-wad went on to complain about how most blogs out there are poorly written drivel. This upset me. A good part of my work week is devoted to producing poorly written drivel – and gosh darn it I take pride in my drivel. In fact, sometimes other people like my drivel too (my mom, for instance).

 

I write about things that really matter, like crazy deals on quality outdoor products that can be found at the WildyX. Some might call that slanted reporting, or even “bias”; those people are either big stupid faces, or haters. I see it as community service. My goal is to help the average helpless consumer to free themselves from all the propaganda that has been shoved down their throats by all our competitors with bigger advertising budgets. I want people to understand that their dollars are simply better spent at the Wilderness Exchange than they would be anywhere else.

 

And as far as “fact checking”, when is say things like “Rab closeouts will increase your sex appeal” I want people to blindly trust that I have checked my facts, that I have done the research, and that I am the authority on the matter.

 

Or if I say that if you don’t get yourself a new pair of Black Diamond closeout gloves for best price, that your rectum will probobly explode resulting in catastrophic medical bills; I expect people to just assume that I speak the truth (why would I lie about something like that?).

 

Maybe I blog about how you will be the envy of everyone at you campsite if you get a new Brunton stove for best price. Maybe I elaborate to say that if you continue using your crappy old Colman stove that your social circle might ostracize you and you’ll be sleeping on a pile of newspapers with in a few weeks. Again, I expect people top assume I’ve done the reasearch.

 

Who knows? Maybe I’m not a reputable news source? Maybe I am just the kid who crushes box at the WildyX? Maybe I haven’t done extensive research that basically proves that if you don’t buy yourself a new Kelty chair that you will run a 95% risk of having a terrible summer?

 

Completely un-bias reporting is hard to achieve, but incredible savings on quality outdoor gear isn’t.

 

Think critically,

  

Sam Benedict

Shipping/Receiving Manager

Wilderness Exchange Unlimited

2401 15th st Suite 100 Denver, CO 80202

303-477-0881

sam@wildernessexchangeunlimited.com