 | So this crazy little Swiss kid came in the shop the other day and was like “I am Alpine Butters zee third!!! I come from zee Sviss Alps to America to pillage and plunder zee piles of choss you call zee Rocky Mountains, and zee fatty bovine facsimiles you call American super models!!!” |
 | Our beloved Fingers was taken off guard. “uhmmmm, ok. So can I help you find anything?” |
 | “Shut your filthy cheeseburger hole!! Stupid American!! Alpine Butters III has come to your smelly establishment seeking Patagonia apparel for 30% off and face-melting deals on Mammut ropes. Show me zees things at once or I shall post a terrible review of your puny store on zee Yelp!!” |
 | Poor Fingers was clearly overwhelmed. He looked like he was about to start crying. I wanted to step in, but I knew he would have to learn to deal with angry Europeans someday. |
| “Ok, well let me show you what we’ve got” Fingers said composing himself. |
 | “NO!!!” shouted Alpine Butters III. “I haven’t zee time to listen to zee gangly, long hair hippie!!” butters III exclaimed and then spit on the floor “fetch me one of each at once!!! I vill buy them all with my Sviss bank account zat used to buy zee condo in Vail!!” |
 | “… ok” Fingers replied as he started gathering a random assortment of merchandise. |
| Alpine Butters paid for everything and then demanded that someone help him carry everything out to his Audi. Fingers abided grudgingly. |
 | On his way out Alpine Butters III said “ok then, smellz you later, how you say? ‘jiveing turkeys’!!!! Wha ha ha ha!!!! See you all on zee cover of Alpinist in about a month no? oh yes!!! Wha HAHAHA!!!” then he paused awkwardly, spit on the floor once more and waived an effeminate goodbye. |
The End. |
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